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Dec. 2nd, 2015

(no subject)

Dec. 14th, 2008

One of my fears

I'm scared I've been in school way to long and this is going to turn out to be some giant joke because I'll never be able to get a real job because I've never been able to take my job that seriously.

But if I'm able to get a really cushy job doing reference for old people it will have all been worth it.

Nov. 2nd, 2008

(no subject)

I'm sitting here, doing something I have never done: Writing a love letter. No, it's not because absolutely stark mad, but this is exceptionally beside my nature. I think it may have something to do with you. You see, firstly, I was going to get you a card. It had a squerrel on it, a very cute squirrel. The squirrel was holding a nut, and it said, "I must be a squirrel, because you're a nut, and I like you a lot". But I left it at home. Now, I'm thinking it wasn't the right card. It didn't really say what it should have.

It should have said that I still feel honored to be in your presence every moment I'm beside you, and most of the moments I'm not. It should have said that I never thought I'd find someone as weird in bed as I am, but who is sometimes too tired to be kinky and defaults to hopelessly romantic and mind-blowingly sexy. It should have said that you make me feel like all the fairy tales have something to them, that you might be some kind of lord and I might be some kind of lady and we can live happily ever after as long as we interject a little common sense every once in a while. It should have said that once I find someone as compassionate, honorable, smart, sharp, trustworthy, sexy and supportive as you, I should do everything I can to keep you around, cuz you're a keeper and the male population's best kept seecret.

You're my best kept secret. You're one in a million baby..a gazillion...and only because I can't think of a bigger number. You make every kind of sense to me, my body, my mind and my spirit. I want to see what you look like when you're forty, fifty, 64. I want to make you laugh all the time so your sexy crow's feet take over your whole face.
You're out of the shower, so there's no time to spell check this thing.

I love you,
Sockmonkey <3

Oct. 29th, 2008

A Plea for self sufficiency or another bad smoking post

I'm really not one for inner turmoil. I thought Frodo was brave for holding on to that nasty ring, I appreciated star wars for it's archetypes, but I never want to have to face myself or my demons in order to come out victorious over anything. I'm a happy little hippie relativist with all my coconuts in a row. So this whole trying to defeat the psychological cravings is not the greatest thing. Having to make a concerted emotional effort NOT to do something is not in my nature, since I like to be proactive and overachieving about most things.

But I really want to be self sufficient. My current way of coping is whining, and it's not a very good habit. i have to reach out and just dump on someone in order to get by, and that scares me because it's happening more and more. I hate myself for it. people say "oh, being in a bad mood and whining about your problems to someone isn't as bad as dying from cancer". Yes, sure, if you put it like that maybe not. but the reality, or rather, MY reality is this: You whine too much, you burn down bridges. You cry wolf about little shit all the fucking time, and eventually you will have wasted peoples time to the point where they won't be willing to bail you out of the really big stuff: loss and grieving, the things adults have to face.

I value my independence, my ability to survive stress and come out ahead because I don't let it beat me, I think I beat it. Unfortunately I've found that my past coping skills were not beating the stress, only fending it off until a later date, pushing it further down into my subconscious by sucking on something that would eventually kill me, but allow me to say "there, I fucking did it all by myself". That is what I base my identity on: the ability to take nothing from no one and make something out of my own potential, period. Because if you let anyone have a say in what you do, chances are the achievements credit you deserve will be depleted by their small success.

I don't know what's left to use right now, but I do know something has got to give. i don't know how other people face stress, but I will say that if I don't think of something soon, I'm going to break. I'm so sick of having to fight myself every minute, but I recognize that I can't suck on death's cock forever without Satan splooging in my face.

Sep. 30th, 2008

Jesus christ where's the chocolate

It is basically taking every once of my mental strength not to break down and buy a pack of cigarettes right fucking now. Anyone who says the only reason people who smoke don't quit is because they are weak willed and impulsive, it'd like to give them a nice swift kick in the nuts. fucking bullshit. You know what, I don't want to give them a kick in the nuts. I want to force them to smoke for a year, and see what happens. I want them to feeel the burn. i want them to experience the amount of self loathing I felt for not quitting. I want them to know the shame. And then I want to call them weak willed when they say they're addicted and can't quit for x reason(s).

Aurora smash burn.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can,
And the restraint not to kill the people who annoy me.

Sep. 23rd, 2008

Book Meme

Grab the nearest book. Find the 5th sentence on page 23. Append it to the paragraph below. Append your name to the list below of people who have contributed to the paragraph. Post the result to your LJ.

Read more...Collapse )

Sep. 16th, 2008

(no subject)

am desperately scared that Edward will never come back. I haven't been this weepy since high school. I think this is one of those books that hooks you at the first page and drags you kicking and screaming through it like some sort of over-dramatized death march with promises of cake. The first fifty pages were like every guy who ever broke my heart decided to come over for dinner and a historical reenactment. It doesn't help that I have a very impressionable mind, especially when reading (dude, it's happening IN MY HEAD) and I've never exposed myself to romance lit before, so I haven't a tolerance for this sort of thing. Meyer's writing is extremely effective, that and I think I might be taking all of this way too seriously.

I think I might be having nightmares about the woods tonight.

...is there some sort of support group out there?

Sep. 8th, 2008

SJSU update

Just got done with my Organizational Environment assignment. Not only was it my first piece of critical thinking put to writing in my grad school career, it is my first piece of serious academic thought in prose since I quit smoking. I have no idea where  par is different for a first year grad vs. a 4th year undergrad. I wish I had someone to ask stupid questions of, like "are there stupid questions in grad school or can I still ask anything and not be considered an amateur?". The discussion board seems like an open enough forum for basic questions, but everyone just seems to be more articulate than I am, with more life experience and big words.

I'm finding also that the online courses are more intensive and satisfying than those that meet on campus (meet is relative, we have 2 all day intensives per class per semester). The problem with the hybrid classes is they seem to be saving all the neat stuff for on-sight meetings, while ignoring things like mandatory discussion boards, narrated powerpoints and Elluminate, which make you feel like you're part of a team rather than a distance learner.



The one way I feel that I have a leg up is with the technology. It's facinating what you can do with people you will never meet online (I know that sounded dirty). There's things like the above applications, as well as Skype and other VOIP, RSS, blogs. I've never felt so comfortable and immersed in geekery.

Aug. 26th, 2008

Part update, mostly frustration

So, I went vegan about a week and a half ago. Put away your pitchforks, or more likely stop yawning and edging for the door. I'm making a conscious effort not to be a self-righteous  hippy, and I still eat honey, because you still need some fun in your life. Corey is being awesome about it per usual, though I still think a part of him is going "wtf is she going to do next? wheat grass enema?" Yeah, well, I'm thinking about it...just kidding. I honestly feel like I work better on plant-based foods, even though everyone is so convinced I need to take a supplement because oh my god how could you ever get all the nutrients you need off of fruits, veggies, nuts, grains an seeds.

I think that if most people sat down and really thought about what comes out of their mouthes their heads would explode in shame.

and for the record, I'm taking flax oil for my omega 3s and nutritional yeast for my b12. So if I hear another well meaning soul start lecturing me on iron or protein or vitamins or anything....Wayn Bradey is gonna havta slap a bitch.

orly yarly.

Jul. 31st, 2008

Oh humbug

I believe I have slumped into an antisocial funk.  School, love, work and my own negligence have caused me to neglect a lot of people that I really enjoyed spending time with. But I'm making no more excuses.

I'm going to hang out with people damn it. Those of you close by, be prepared. Those of you further away, I've gotta wait untill I get paid (I forgot to turn in my time-card so I'm broke for half a month) and THEN I will call you


I love you 0.0

P.S.: oh, and if you think I don't have your number and you want to hang out, comment below....i'm serious.

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