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Jun. 17th, 2008

The Smoking Post

Quit smoking finally. can't stop eating, or having a slower metabolism (turns out smoking makes you slightly hypoglycemic, heavy smokers burn up to 200 extra calories per day). I've been running every other day. I've gotten the color back in my face and I'm only chewing about 4 pieces of 4mg nicorette per day. Still coughing up brown shit, which makes me feel more productive. Can't hyperventilate easily yet, that will be a milestone. I can jog 27 minutes straight without getting too wiped  out, but it will be a few months before I'm not fatigued from it.

I AM freaking out about the pounds I've gained since I quit. I have hence made up a list of ten reasons why gaining weight after smoking is a good thing, and converseley why I shouldn't start up again.
1) I am not overweight, if only by a few pounds
2)weight gain is completely normal when you quit and is usually shed within 6 months (it's like having a tar baby lol)
3) I shouldn't be so hard on my self when I'm getting over a fucking addiction
4) What's a few pounds when you graduated with honors? (yeah, I'm still on that stfu I'm awesome)
5) Hypothetically, if I started smoking again because I wanted to get skinny I could possibly be the most shallow person in the world.
6) I'm getting laid and lovehandles > flem/ashtray mouth. (though I hate bringing out that clichee)
7) Getting fat after recovering from a life threatening addiction makes me more like Matthew Perry, and who doesn't love that?
8) My boobs are bigger.
9) I can do the jiggly butt cartoon from illwillpress all by myself.
10) lying around naked not smoking in the freezing cold is awesome. It's even more awesome cuz my pudge keeps me warm.

I've found the best way to not get cravings is to not think about smoking or cigarettes or the fact I've quit at all. Thus, this will probably be my only "quit smoking" post . I don't like talking about quitting unless I'm having a craving, and talking about how I'm not smoking or never smoking again gives me more anxiety than it soothes. Its just a small inconvenience at this point. craving + gum = solution, take the rest with a grain of salt. This is by no means The Way To Quit Smoking For Everyone, it just seems to work for me, because I quit at the right time. If I had tried a month earlier, I would still be smoking now. I've gone a month and a half before not smoking ,and the entire time I was miserable. As soon as I hit the 6 week mark I started up again and was happy as a clam. It's very strange that this time it worked with basically the same methods, just less stress and more sex. I'll feel a little bit more accomplished when I hit the 1 month mark (6/26/08), before that there isn't really anything to hoo-haaw about.

I figure I should post something because it's something most people would want to write about in their journal and a few years down the line I might be interested in how I felt at this time, which is pretty neutral (I'm hoping that's a good sign?)

May. 15th, 2008

Academic Bragging Rights

So here's the final tally for my last undergraduate semester:

Philosophy A
Elementary modern dance A
Introduction to Choreography A
Media Criticism -A
Weight Training P
Western Civ P
Senior Seminar P

Honors: Fall 2004, Fall 2006, spring 2007, fall 2007, spring 2008
Semester GPA: 3.898
Cumulative GPA: 3.503

Having your ego be justifiably as big as mine is: priceless....

Mar. 4th, 2008

Mother of Fuck

Dear Ms. arding:

On behalf of UCLA, I'm extending an official offer of admission to the Graduate Division. You have been singled out from a pool of exceptionally qualified and talented applicants in a rigorous and highly competitive process. Your selection recognizes your academic accomplishments and potential for advanced scholarship. Let me add my personal congratulations to those of your family and friends.

By choosing UCLA, you will choose to study at a world-class public research university with an internationally distinguished faculty, professors whose teaching and mentorship will help you prepare to join the next generation of America's academic leaders. Your department staff and the Graduate Student Association's fall orientation will introduce you to the campus's wide array of social and cultural resources so that you will feel at home here as quickly as possible.

Please accept my best wishes for success in your graduate studies. I look forward to your joining us.


Claudia Mitchell-Kernan
Vice Chancellor Graduate Studies


  1. Aewesome school
  2. in class classes
  3. cultural center of the world
  4. Huge Name
  5. Better starting salary
  6. easier time finding a job
  7. easier to get promotions


  1. No friends
  2. No family
  3. No Corey
  4. I want to have intern and experience in the bay area more
  5. Would still be fully financially dependent on parents because I wouldn't be able to work with UCLA's required internship in order to sustain myself
  6. LA sucks, I hate LA so much I could piss on it.
  7. LA is way too expensive ever.
  8. Would not be able to leave campus ever and where would I go anyway?
  9. Big Scary beyond place that is unfamiliar and I fear change, and would prolly have a nervous breakdown because of it and have no one  around to pull me out of it
San Jose State
  1. in the bay area where I rather spend the rest of my life and career
  2. Friends
  3. Family
  4. economic independence
  5. set career roots here
  6. less expensive
  7. Boyfriend and in general better men anyway

  1. hybrid courses
  2. Not as good of a school
  3. Supposedly has some sort of stigma according to Mr. Michael mills librarian who went there
  4. Harder time finding a job
Pros and Cons: UCLA is 7/9, San Jose State is 7/4
    San Jose still wins, and my decision stands

So why do I still have this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach?

Feb. 25th, 2008


Uhm. Hello?

Soooo...whats going on. Got accepted to UCLA, not going to UCLA probably, for apparent and unapparent reasons which I will not go into. I think I would be miserable there and I want my life to start. Still dating Mr. Nice Guy, who went from Mr. Nice guy to Mr. Awesome guy, and has settled at the moment on Mr. Fucktastically Perfectly Awesome guy. Yeah don't tell him I said that, I will.

My tonsils are the size of a Macy's Parade Balloon. I'm starting to sell ad space on them, thats when I'm not gulping down profound amounts of pain killers and wanting to tear my own organs out. Also have a slightly runny nose.

Hate school hate school hate fucking undergraduate school. This is my mantra.

Feb. 10th, 2008

My master plan to be awesome

        <img src="http://www.seductiveshorts.com/images/blogs/hunter.gif" border="0" >

Don't you wish you were dating me. Well you can't! For I am Northern Lights Lady with my unstoppable consort, the Hebrew Hammer! Together we will leave no cheap chinese restaurant unpatroned! no movie without cuddling!

Okay apparently livejournal wants me to bend over backwards for an image display. It can suck my thumb

Dec. 11th, 2007

My Big Evening

First order of Buisness:
I got this letter in the mail:
    Dear Aurora:
          We are pleased to inform you that The School of Library Information Science has recommended your admission to the University (San Jose State) as a classified graduate student for the Fall 2008 semester Regular Session. Graduate Admissions and records will be sending you an official notice of admission to the University and registration materials.
       Dr. Ken Haycock
       Professor and Director

Yeah....that's right....thats me


Secondly, I just sealed the envelope on my destiny, aka application information (resume, statement of purpose) to UCLA. I'm waiting to forget something. And then I did. Now I've gotta get a new envelope. Crap

But whatever, I'm definitely going to grad school now.

No one can blame you for walking away
But too much rejection, uh huh...
No love injection

Life can be easy
It's not always swell
Don't tell me truth hurts, little girl
'cause it hurts like hell

Dec. 9th, 2007

UCLA statement of purpose (rough)

Any critiques are welcome, in fact, I'm begging you for them.

    I started attending the library when I was six months old. Every Saturday, My mother would load me and the stroller into our 1963 Crysler Newport Custom to make the crawling drive down to old San Francisco Main. There, I would sit for an hour with the other children and hear stories, sing songs, and the usual lap-sit story-time affair. For a while I thought the librarians themselves were skilled story-tellers, weaving tales out of their heads, and using the books only as devices of illustration. I soon learned that it was the books themselves that contained the story, and it wasn’t my mother and the librarians who were the sources of this magic.
    About the time I learned what a book was, we started to check them out with this thing called a “library card”. They were emerald green, and I thought they were like the jewels from the fairytales I had heard. We would approach the tall circulation desks at the front of the library. I remember feeling very small in comparison to the towering columns and crown moldings of the building, and the desk itself was twice my height. I insisted on handing the card to the librarian myself, even thought I had to stand on tiptoe to reach.
    As the years went by, the desks grew shorter, fairy tales turned into Ayn Rand. In the summer of 2005 I was spending my time in southern California, trying to find my first job. I applied to Target, Rite Aid and Starbucks, but with no avail. My heart just wasn’t in retail. My mother had been tipped off that there was a shelving job at the El Sobrante Public Library. I submitted an application and flew myself back to the bay area for the interview. I explained my love of literature and learning to them, how I saw the library as an outreaching web of communication and information that provided the low income community I lived in with a chance to reach beyond the bounds of classroom education into the realm of self-discovery and study. They took my passion with smiling faces, and a few days later I got the job.
    After a while working there, I learned about a few integral strands of the web. I observed the importance of catering to a community of diverse backgrounds. Working in west Contra Costa, I have had the opportunity to serve a wide range of socio-economic milieu, minorities and age groups. I remember one account where a mother brought in her child for a weekend outing to the library. The woman asked that I help her daughter find some books to read. I referred her to our reference librarian, at which the child replied “No! I want you to help me. Please?” I quickly realized that this was a matter of great importance and asked someone to cover for me at the circulation desk. At a slow steady pace, we sifted through the Juvenile section. I would read her the first page out of a book to see if she was interested. If she was, I would have her read the next page back to me to see if it was at her reading level. This ritual carried on for three weeks, until the girl assured me with a big smile, “I think I can do it myself this time”.
UCLA’s department of Library Information science program is dedicated to providing the community with a plethora of options, ranging from outreach to minority groups, digital media preservation and a combination of scholarly and professional philosophies. My work in the Contra Costa Library system, as well as my attendance at Mills College in Oakland, has opened my eyes to the possibilities of a dynamic, multicultural, multidisciplinary community, and I wish to focus what I have learned to provide assistance and self-education to a wide range of peoples in my public service as a Librarian and Information Professional. I believe the merging of my personal goals with UCLA’s directives will make me into a professional of high caliber. I plan to work tirelessly to give my community the resources and help it needs. Together we can, and will, improve the educational standards of California and the U.S.

Dec. 8th, 2007

I have something to confess.

I realize it's rather shocking coming from a person like me. I am emotionally stable, cynical and educated, I think men are human beings and do not have a designer shoe fetish. But for some reason, a reason I can't seem to admit to myself, I have been doing the unthinkable to help myself try and sleep.

I have been watching Sex and the City.

Yes, take your jaws off the ground people and pick up your lattes. I am on the fourth season, and Carrie is trying to get back with Aiden. Fuck, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Big is hot. Really Hot. His nose is hot. I am in very, very big trouble. I was talking to a patron checking out the 6th season at the library and I said that it was a very funny, touching show. she asked me what I found touching about it, and I said that I can somehow relate to the characters. She chuckled, said I was cute and walked off with her 6th season and Redbook magazine. I couldn't get that chuckle out of my head. Why am I relating to sitcom characters? And not only sitcom characters

WHY THAT SHOW? I swore that show off the second I saw the previews. i don't watch sex and the city, or any other chick flick for the same reason I don't read romance novels. it's emotional fiction about emotional relationships. I am willing to admit I have an impressionable mind, but I like to substitute that with "open mind". If someone argues a point of view, I listen. If the argument seems reasonable, I will agree with it. unfortunately, most of these reasonable arguments are coming out of a think tank geared to make me buy expensive crap I don't need, date men I don't like (who are rich) and sell me an image of what a successful woman looks like. I am not Miranda, I don't want to be a lawyer. Who the fuck says you have to be a lawyer to be a successful woman? Librarians are successful.

*justifies*........*turns nose up in the air*.......*sniff*

And another thing, it's over exposure to relationship problems. It's not the sort of relationship problems you deal with with your friends, you can talk back to your friends and tell them they're full of shit (ok maybe you can't) but somehow the small screen is so much more imposing. I remember why I don't watch tv anymore.

The bottom line is, this is me exercising my agency, and my agent is telling me this relationship is over.

I'm going to go read Kafka.

Oct. 25th, 2007

All is black, but I still see.

I have just learned something obscene and disturbing about someone I was very close to for a long time. I feel betrayed, shamed and violated by this knowledge. I see why this piece of personal history was hidden from me, because if I had known, I would have considered them repulsive, unworthy of my trust and deserving of extreme chastisement.

But at the same time I feel thankful. I had no idea of how naive I really am about the world until now. I have always considered the nature of man to be a positive force. That nurtures heavy blows are only a deterrent from inevitable wisdom and self development. This news is a well deserved slap in the face; a harsh lesson for me. I understand that it is these times, when we feel helpless, childlike and incompetent, are the moments when we are growing into adults. Fortunately no real harm was done to me physically or psychologically. I was let free before this person could have shown me their true colors. What strikes me is that their actions spoke louder than their character. It was their omission and secrecy that expounded their guilt. It is quite possible I was blind, in fact I am sure I pulled the wool over my own eyes. The only way I can explain this is either my naivety or my emotion.

I am trying to get over my extreme disgust and anger. I would hurt them if I could, I would make it impossible for them to never do what they have done again. But I am not going to. The best way I can describe this is with a quote

"I could warn you, but you would not listen
I could kill you, but someone would take your place.
So I do the only thing I can, I go."

This is my plan of action. I am absolutely positive that I will live well, and that is the best revenge. I think I will be able to forgive them, not out of understanding, but out of pity. For now I must learn to pull myself out of this by my bootstraps and rely on those I can trust. I also think I should get myself through Fountainhead. Ayn Rand has always been very therapeutic to me.

Sep. 26th, 2007




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