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December 2015

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A Plea for self sufficiency or another bad smoking post

I'm really not one for inner turmoil. I thought Frodo was brave for holding on to that nasty ring, I appreciated star wars for it's archetypes, but I never want to have to face myself or my demons in order to come out victorious over anything. I'm a happy little hippie relativist with all my coconuts in a row. So this whole trying to defeat the psychological cravings is not the greatest thing. Having to make a concerted emotional effort NOT to do something is not in my nature, since I like to be proactive and overachieving about most things.

But I really want to be self sufficient. My current way of coping is whining, and it's not a very good habit. i have to reach out and just dump on someone in order to get by, and that scares me because it's happening more and more. I hate myself for it. people say "oh, being in a bad mood and whining about your problems to someone isn't as bad as dying from cancer". Yes, sure, if you put it like that maybe not. but the reality, or rather, MY reality is this: You whine too much, you burn down bridges. You cry wolf about little shit all the fucking time, and eventually you will have wasted peoples time to the point where they won't be willing to bail you out of the really big stuff: loss and grieving, the things adults have to face.

I value my independence, my ability to survive stress and come out ahead because I don't let it beat me, I think I beat it. Unfortunately I've found that my past coping skills were not beating the stress, only fending it off until a later date, pushing it further down into my subconscious by sucking on something that would eventually kill me, but allow me to say "there, I fucking did it all by myself". That is what I base my identity on: the ability to take nothing from no one and make something out of my own potential, period. Because if you let anyone have a say in what you do, chances are the achievements credit you deserve will be depleted by their small success.

I don't know what's left to use right now, but I do know something has got to give. i don't know how other people face stress, but I will say that if I don't think of something soon, I'm going to break. I'm so sick of having to fight myself every minute, but I recognize that I can't suck on death's cock forever without Satan splooging in my face.